How I Knew

I have never talked about this on the blog before, not for any particular reason other then I always had something else to post. I am ready to share now. I am ready to share the events that happened that made me long for a baby.

I should start by saying that when Jason and I first started dating, we were both against becoming parents. We liked children, but loved it when they went home.

We had been dating about a year when started being tired all the time. Having this be out of the norm for me, I went into the doctor. To be honest my 20 y/o self never would have guessed the doctor was going to tell me that I was pregnant. Being an expert in google, I went in waiting to hear him say that I have a thyroid problem. Oh baby, was I ever wrong. To be honest I didn't really believe him, we were safe, how did this happen? How did I not notice anything other then being really tired?

A few weeks went by and we fearfully told our family. We were so unprepared for a baby. We were renting my parents basement suite at the time. I was 20 years old and didn't even fully know what I wanted a career to be at that point. Yes I loved fashion and photography, but wasn't sure how to apply that to a career at that time.

After the initial shock and finally coming to terms with what was going on, easter weekend came. And I can still remember telling Jason I still didn't feel I was pregnant. He assured me that I was still in denial, and that this was happening.


It wasn't going to happen. Two days later I showed signs that I had lost the baby or as I would later find out babies. Not knowing what to do I went to the walk in clinic and from there was sent in for an emergency ultrasound. My feeling was right, they couldn't find anything. You would think that hearing this would give me relife, but I cried. And as much as I tried to convince myself and everyone around me that I couldn't be sad for something I never wanted, but inside I was dieing.

Any time I saw a teen mom, I would have to get away as fast as I could to cry, over why did they have a baby and not me? I came to resent with an absolute passion the phrase ''everything happens, for a reason.'' I knew that people were just saying that because they didn't know what else to say, but it would have been easier on me had they just politly smiled and said nothing at all.

While the doctors tried to tell me it wasn't my fault the babies didn't survive, inadverantly it was my fault. A strain of my dna was different from the baby's, my body saw the baby as a virus and I was told that was maybe what happened. I blamed myself more then I should have, and I think on some level Jason did too.

It was through all this I become obbsessed with wanting a baby. Our family told me I was to young, but I told them I am a lot tougher then they saw me, and that I knew in my heart I could become a Mama and start college and a career all at the same time.

Looking back do I wish I would have waited longer before becomeing preganant with Ethan? Yes, but not for the reason you would think. Because of all the unresolved emotions of my miscarrige, and a little how hard pregnancy with Ethan was with me. I suffered from a chemical imbalance after Ethan was born. But that post will be for another day.

After everything I went through I am so greatful for Ethan {and Peyton of course}. I spent my ''party'' years having fun in a different way.

I still think about what might have happened had I not miscarried those babies? Or what would have happened did I never get pregnant at all. I guess in someway everything does happen for a reason, but I can honestly say I have yet to say this phrase to anyone, for any reason. It still bothers me. The circumstances that took place to get us to realize this absolutly sucked. Especically for someone as type A as me, but without that heartache I never would have known that, that emptiness was meant for a baby. I love that I am a Mama, and I don't even know what my life would be like had we not chose to have a baby.  

So there it is, how I knew... How I knew that I wanted my life to go a little differently then my friends. Don't get me wrong, I did miss going out for girls nights with them, and even became a bit jealous over there lives. But I found my own way to make life work for me to still be the best Mama I could be, and still be able to have fun like a 20 something old should.

This video was not originally a part of this post, but I feel it fits because I can't imagine what life would be like if I didn't have a kid that would tell me he can't help his feet, and was born to dance.

Last night Ethan randomly started dancing just outside the grocery store. Didn't care who was looking, he just wanted to dance!

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Lydia Criss Mays said... [Reply]

Wow. As a first time visitor to your blog, and new linky follower, I have to tell you I read and reread your post. I feel several different emotions for you. I'm sorry for your loss, regardless of how long ago it was, it's still so sad. I speak from heartbreaking experience that's still incredibly raw. I saw the video of your son Ethan and that left me smiling ear to ear. I transition my sadness with you to happiness for you. You are truly seeing beautiful. We think you'd love See Beautiful too!

Ashley said... [Reply]

I am so sorry for you loss.

Lena @ Mom2MemphisAndRuby said... [Reply]

Wow... Amber, what a an emotional post! Thank you, TRULY FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART for sharing your story! Big hugs to you... I have never suffered the loss of a baby, so I can't really understand that pain, but so many women can and will relate to your story! Your children are beautiful! And Ethan is so adorable in that video. LOVE it!

Jade Steckly said... [Reply]

I too am a first time visitor to your blog and really have an appreciation for your deep post. Thank you for being honest! I haven't lost a baby, but I can't even imagine how I would feel if I did. My heart breaks for those moms who have suffered that loss.
I'll be visiting lots! Love your blog :)

Sharisse Lopez said... [Reply]

You're amazing for speaking your emotions. I am a first time visitor and now a follower. I hope to get to know you better.... I feel like I've intruded on something so personal begin my firs time here and all. You're so brave to carry on and make the most of your life. I wish you a very wonderful week ahead!

Christine Thomas said... [Reply]

Amber, thank you so much for sharing such a deeply personal 'secret'. I've experienced a miscarriage and I agree that on some level you can't help but wonder if you did something or could have done something different. I'm sorry you had to go through that!

Thanks for linking up with us!

kyna... said... [Reply]

Thank you so much for sharing this! I know that it might have been hard for you, but honest posts like these are what brings people closer together. You have 2 beautiful children, and although I don't want to say "things happen for a reason", lets just say that every road leads somewhere were we are really supposed to be once we get to the end of it :-)
♥ Kyna

AbsoluteMommy said... [Reply]

Amber this was so much more than a dirty little secret. This was your heart. Thank you so much for sharing this with our link up to day. What a rollercoaster!
And yes, that kid was born to dance!

Glo Haynes said... [Reply]

I am sorry for you loss but excited that you have such a wonderful, beautiful, and oh so talented son. You are very lucky. sometimes it takes a heartbreak to show us what we really want. I wish you much happiness.

following you back with linky, thanks for the follow.


Tracy Jensen said... [Reply]

Thank you for sharing.....this was heartfelt. I'm so sorry for the heartache you had to feel....I can't even imagine it. And your sweet boy...ADORABLE!


Dear Life From a Mom of Boys

Connie @ Measured by the Heart said... [Reply]

I am happy to be your newest lf follower. I found your cute blog from the linky followers blog hop. If you'd like to follow back, you can reach me at

P.S. I have been through something similar to you and I have to say there is nothing like grief over pregnancy. And people who haven't been there just don't understand it. I'm so happy you got your happily ever after children!!

Chrissy said... [Reply]

Like the others I am a first time reader, your words brought tears to my eyes. There is an instant bond that you feel with someone who has been through things similar to yourself and I have had my share of loss. Thank you for sharing.