My Version Of Honesty

I really have not been that much of a blogging mood. I feel guilty not updating, and my August photo project has been long forgotten, maybe I will finish it at another time. Even just saying that I am going to put something off is out of the normal for me. I very rarely take something on unless I can give it 200% of my energy.

So here it is, part of the real me. I hope I
don't scare anyone off and hope you won't judge me to harshly, for saying the things, that SAHM's are not usually suppose to say. I really just didn't want this blog to be all bubbly and perfect, I want to share parts of the real me.

I have a bit of a problem when it comes to perfection. I love being a SAHM, its a great job. But its a job that if a mistake is made I feel like I not only let myself down, I let Ethan, Peyton, and Jason down. I try so hard to be a calm and serene Momma, but lately I have been snapping a little more easier then usuall. I feel so terrible after. A non-parent friend of mine tried to tell me that it was ok to get angry once and a while and that it wouldn't do any harm to Ethan. He told me his parents got angry at him a lot and he turned out fine. I gave it a try, and to be honest I felt like I had gone from being Ethan's best friend to being a bully. All getting mad at Ethan did was make him cry harder and make me feel worse for doing that to him. This scenorio only happened twice, I gave it a second chance, because I know that Ethan sometimes can play me a little. But I still wonder if Ethan will ever look back and remember that Momma made him upset...

I try and do all the ''right'' things for Ethan and Peyton, and do my best to make our home as nice as I can for all of us. Lately though I am just finding it much to over whelming and exahusting. I have never been great at cooking and cleaning on a consistant basis. My friends tease me and call me spoiled because Jason does help ALOT with both cleaning and cooking, but for awhile I was finding it easy and doing it all, until Peyton reverted back to her days of crying all day, everyday. { All though yesterday and today she is happy, which is great since a friend will be watching her for me today while I work } I carry her around in my baby hawk carrier, and shes quiet, but its a little tough to wash dishes or be near a hot stove with a wiggly baby in front of you. And lets be honest no matter how great the baby carrier, your back does start to hurt after awhile.

I have been trying to let her cry it out once and a while, sometimes it works and other times it doesn't so I go and pick her up after 5 minutes. I am not sure I will ever be able to relax doing this though, when I know that if I just pick her up she will stop.

I have let her go for longer a couple of times while we over at our families houses, but I feel like if I take my eyes off the door that I know she is behind I am abandoning her. I know it sounds dramatic and extreme, but its true.

When Peyton was first born all she did was cry, and what got me through all that was telling myself that in a year from then she would be a lot calmer and would trade her cries in for the odd scream here and there. Now I am left asking myself how much longer will this really go on for?

 I had a few doctors appointments this week, because I really am just not feeling well. I am hoping to find out soon what exactly is going on. For now the doctors are telling me its due to stress. I can see that, but I am having a hard time believing there isn't something more going on and got the sense that they only said stress because they didn't know what else to say.

Sorry if the post seemed alittle all over the place. Thanks for reading a side of the real me. I promise I will get back to the bubbly posts soon.

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Amanda I said... [Reply]

First off - glad to hear she's in a happy mood today :-)

Second - I think there is something in the air for SAHMs. Maybe it's the "summer's almost over" feeling, the lack of a true summer, or the moon... who knows. A lot of the mommy blogs I've been reading seem to be at their ropes end with kids. I know I'm feeling a little more bummed lately these days - hence the lack of posts lately.

If you can hold out til Sept I say we get together once a week or so and get the kids together to play and maybe give us a little break while they entertain eachother. (I say Sept because I've got a cousin's child for the next 2 weeks - unless you want to come here and all of them can play).